How can I convince you of what it’s like? There are at least a dozen people that I can think of off of the top of my head that I know consider me foolish, that keep it to themselves their unfailing knowledge that all that my hard work, frustration, and effort will lead to is my inevitable disappointment. All of my choices up until now have been born of idealistic hope with just a touch of desperation, both elements that the rational mind would dismiss as a valid platform of decision, and yet I keep plowing forward, pulling my blinders close and continuing down a path almost certain to fade out completely under my feet. All the practicality that I should have learned in my 25 years of life has been resolutely packed away into a tiny, out of the way corner of my mind and replaced with that desperate hope that I cling to with what is probably an unhealthy resolve.
I don’t know that I can exactly put into words the nearly violent need that music creates in me. I’m not a writer, and whenever I try to explain myself, my words appear to me to be insincere and childish, filled with clichés and hyperbole, but for this I‘ll try as well as I can to make myself understood. With every concert that I attend, I wonder about the people that I’ve come to see. I wonder how they remember sitting out here in the dark watching their heroes and idols perform for them, and I wonder if it was the same experiences that drove them to where they are today. Do they remember the amazing, hedonistic joy of watching a show, completely absorbing the music into every fiber of their being? Do they remember singing their lungs raw, smiling, laughing, crying, and letting the music direct, if only for a short time, the flow of their lives? Do they remember the hollow hunger slowly eating its way through their chest, whispering that it’s not enough just to experience the music, that the pinnacle of existence lies in performing, creating, breathing, and being the music? Because that’s how every show I see leaves me. They leave me exhilarated and deliriously happy, while at the same time strangely detached and unfulfilled, and they almost always leave me holding back tears that are a mixture of delight in the beauty of music and the frustration of not being a part of it.
I don’t know that I can exactly put into words the nearly violent need that music creates in me. I’m not a writer, and whenever I try to explain myself, my words appear to me to be insincere and childish, filled with clichés and hyperbole, but for this I‘ll try as well as I can to make myself understood. With every concert that I attend, I wonder about the people that I’ve come to see. I wonder how they remember sitting out here in the dark watching their heroes and idols perform for them, and I wonder if it was the same experiences that drove them to where they are today. Do they remember the amazing, hedonistic joy of watching a show, completely absorbing the music into every fiber of their being? Do they remember singing their lungs raw, smiling, laughing, crying, and letting the music direct, if only for a short time, the flow of their lives? Do they remember the hollow hunger slowly eating its way through their chest, whispering that it’s not enough just to experience the music, that the pinnacle of existence lies in performing, creating, breathing, and being the music? Because that’s how every show I see leaves me. They leave me exhilarated and deliriously happy, while at the same time strangely detached and unfulfilled, and they almost always leave me holding back tears that are a mixture of delight in the beauty of music and the frustration of not being a part of it.
The most frustrating thing is that I’ve experienced that inclusion, that perfect performance where everything clicks and I’m free to lose myself into the flow of the music, if only a couple of times. More often than not, my mind gets in the way. I notice every mistake I or my bandmates makes, I let nerves get to me and can’t shake them, or I get lost in trying to hard to capture that perfection. But I know that it’s attainable, that it’s within my power to feed that beautiful addiction.
Since starting college, I’ve learned that even that passion doesn’t seem to be enough for me to hold myself to my own promises. Every resolve that I make to try harder, to not make excuses for failing to keep up with what I need to learn, is eventually broken, more often sooner than later. The objective part of my mind realizes that encompassing passion, no matter what the form, is felt by everyone at some point in their life, but the level of distraction that my love of music drives me to makes me wonder if it’s my own lack of self control and discipline that causes me to neglect the people around me in favor of serving my own selfish goals, even as those goals still fail to sufficiently focus me on my studies. It is this lack of focus that I fear will be the reason for my failure, but I can’t seem to put all of my effort into what I’m not sure is the right path. I feel like I’m afraid to learn, because I’m afraid that learning isn’t enough, that I’ll have wasted the ever-closing window of time that I have and have nothing but regrets. Every day is a war with uncertainty, and every day I have to make do with the stalemate of not knowing, but not yet giving up.
So why, you ask, do I continue to clutch at a dream so widely shared and desired, a dream that thousands of more qualified and more talented individuals than I will strive for and never reach, a dream as far away from me as those who live it, and yet close enough to pull on my heart every day of my life? Why do I continue to try even when I can’t seem to focus on the path that I’ve chosen? The simplest answer is need. I know, deep down in the core of my being, that music is what I need to do. I need to feel the stage under my feet and look out to see all the people that I can inspire, can move, can captivate by expressing myself in the purest way that I know. I need to be this because there’s nothing else that I need quite so much.
If that means that I’m immature, impractical, idealistic, and insane, then maybe that’s what it takes.
- Current Location:Not in bed
- Current Mood:
drained - Current Music:문희준 - I Don't Care for Anything But Music
So, my shelf for my Asian CD collection was getting mighty full, so I went and bought a couple of new shelves. Spent all day yesterday putting them together instead of sleeping. The cabinet only has my VHS tapes in it, and my manga will probably move from the bottom shelf into the cabinet as my CD collection grows. I'm actually really happy with it, as it saves space and allows me to put my books in the previous shelf.
Whelp, off to class!
Whelp, off to class!
- Current Location:Home
- Current Mood:
accomplished - Current Music:Malice Mizer - Illuminati
THIS IS FOR ICON AND PROBABLY EVERY CONVENTION EVER FROM NOW ON
The bit of the inside of my pocket poking out is bothering me. Like, seriously.
I decided to go with more pixelated text for the shirt, though I did consider doing a (cougheasiercough) less blocky* font. The lettering is from the actual splash screen for Keen 4, so I feel all authentic. I already have the red Converse (though I'm not painting little spaceships over the Converse logo, becauseI'm not that good an artist I don't want to.), and light jeans to wear. The pogo stick should be arriving tomorrow(!), as the tracking information says it is currently residing in Des Moines. I'm not completely sure I'll get the raygun done in time, owing to the fact that I have *no idea* what to make it out of, but I will be carrying around a large red-covered book to read when I've been standing in place for too long. For the wrist...thingabobber...that he uses, I'm going to see if I can get one of those cell phone arm bands and just use my phone, so that I can have that with me. The helmet gets painted in the morning! I will post more images once the rest of the costume comes together.
T-minus 4 days until the convention!
*What the hell, LiveJournal. I swear, "blocky" is an actual word. Now stop covering my post in squiggly red underlines!
I also promise to get back to the GOT shirts sooooooon...
The bit of the inside of my pocket poking out is bothering me. Like, seriously.
I decided to go with more pixelated text for the shirt, though I did consider doing a (cougheasiercough) less blocky* font. The lettering is from the actual splash screen for Keen 4, so I feel all authentic. I already have the red Converse (though I'm not painting little spaceships over the Converse logo, because
T-minus 4 days until the convention!
*What the hell, LiveJournal. I swear, "blocky" is an actual word. Now stop covering my post in squiggly red underlines!
I also promise to get back to the GOT shirts sooooooon...
- Current Mood:
nostalgic - Current Music:The TRAX - 오! 나의 여신님
SO, as the responsible adult I am, I just spent the last two and a half hours working on my House Stark tank instead of doing my homework. I was going to attempt to do layers. The first and whitest would have been the eye and teeth, the second would have been the inside space, and the last would have been the outline. It would have been *awesome* and challenging, but after a very failed first layer that bled waaay to far under the outline, I think it's safe to say this week's attempt was a failure. I still finished the rest of it with just outlines, and it would have been awesome if I had just done that in the first place. My mistake was spraying too much bleach, I think. Next time I will attempt to use a thinner solution in smaller amounts for layers, and be sure to blot the excess sooner. Or just do an outline; I haven't decided yet.
( I am deeply saddened by the loss of a perfectly good tank top...Collapse )
In other news, I have now successfully completed a 20 mile walk, and it was amazing. Perhaps, though, it is time to get to that homework before I pass out...
( I am deeply saddened by the loss of a perfectly good tank top...Collapse )
In other news, I have now successfully completed a 20 mile walk, and it was amazing. Perhaps, though, it is time to get to that homework before I pass out...
- Current Mood: disappointed
- Current Music:Tatu - Y Slosha S Uma
So, as all (what, 5?) of you may have noticed, I hardly ever post on my Livejournal. I just find that I either never have the time or motivation to write out a lengthy account of my life, especially since every single one of you follows me on Facebook, which I use much more regularly.
But I have decided to give this another try.
The main reason that I'm starting back up here again is primarily the fault of three people. The first is
taijutsu_queen for introducing me to (and teaching me how to make) bleach-design shirts. The second and third are silent_lorelei and her husband for planting an idea in my head and subtly nudging it towards the OCD center of the brain. However, I enjoy the challenge it presents, and I will also enjoy the process, I would venture to guess.
The project is this: Make a bleach-shirt for each of the nine houses in The Game of Thrones.
So, I'm going to revive my Livejournal for the purpose of keeping track and logging my process. I'm actually really excited to do this, so just bear with me on this. :)
First Day:
I have the images I'm going to use all printed out and ready. When I can get to the store to buy the first of my shirts, I'll get started on the a redo of House Stark, this time on a more appropriate colored shirt.
But I have decided to give this another try.
The main reason that I'm starting back up here again is primarily the fault of three people. The first is
taijutsu_queen for introducing me to (and teaching me how to make) bleach-design shirts. The second and third are silent_lorelei and her husband for planting an idea in my head and subtly nudging it towards the OCD center of the brain. However, I enjoy the challenge it presents, and I will also enjoy the process, I would venture to guess.The project is this: Make a bleach-shirt for each of the nine houses in The Game of Thrones.
So, I'm going to revive my Livejournal for the purpose of keeping track and logging my process. I'm actually really excited to do this, so just bear with me on this. :)
First Day:
I have the images I'm going to use all printed out and ready. When I can get to the store to buy the first of my shirts, I'll get started on the a redo of House Stark, this time on a more appropriate colored shirt.
- Current Mood:
geeky - Current Music:Block B - U Hoo Hoo
SHEET MUSIC WHY YOU SO CONFUSING NOW
CELLO WHY YOU SO HARD TO MAKE SOUND GOOD
BOWING ARM WHY YOU TRY TO FALL OFF
CELLO WHY YOU SO HARD TO MAKE SOUND GOOD
BOWING ARM WHY YOU TRY TO FALL OFF
- Current Mood:
frustrated - Current Music:EXO-M - Mama
Easy list is easy. :(
1. The best things in life are free...
2. Early morning, I got Mona Lisa by my side...
3. I'm everything you know, you wonder friend or foe...
4. Let the fun and games begin...
5. It's the perfect time of year...
6. We should think about what we got right now...
7. Well, let's go back to the middle of the day that starts it all...
8. We have the chance to turn the pages over...
9. There is a hunger, a longing for bread...
10. If I could then I would shrink the world tonight...
11. I am the son, I am the heir...
12. Well, here we are again...
13. Breathe, trust, bless...
14. Your cruel device...
15. Call the race, tell me it's over now...
16. In this farewell...
17. Tell me exactly, what am I supposed to do...
18. I'm just so tired...
19. You're the one stepping on the back of my shoes...
20. Must it take a life for hateful eyes...
21. So scared of breaking it that you won't let it bend...
22. I think I've already lost you...
23. Desperate, but not hopeless...
24. Is it real? We're always the same...
25. I'm everything you've wanted...
26. Little girl, little girl, why are you crying...
27. The stars lean down to kiss you...
28. Take a bow, pack on powder...
29. Tryin' on a brand new dress...
30. I'm breakin' promises and breaking you apart...
1. The best things in life are free...
2. Early morning, I got Mona Lisa by my side...
3. I'm everything you know, you wonder friend or foe...
4. Let the fun and games begin...
5. It's the perfect time of year...
6. We should think about what we got right now...
7. Well, let's go back to the middle of the day that starts it all...
8. We have the chance to turn the pages over...
9. There is a hunger, a longing for bread...
10. If I could then I would shrink the world tonight...
11. I am the son, I am the heir...
12. Well, here we are again...
13. Breathe, trust, bless...
14. Your cruel device...
15. Call the race, tell me it's over now...
16. In this farewell...
17. Tell me exactly, what am I supposed to do...
18. I'm just so tired...
19. You're the one stepping on the back of my shoes...
20. Must it take a life for hateful eyes...
21. So scared of breaking it that you won't let it bend...
22. I think I've already lost you...
23. Desperate, but not hopeless...
24. Is it real? We're always the same...
25. I'm everything you've wanted...
26. Little girl, little girl, why are you crying...
27. The stars lean down to kiss you...
28. Take a bow, pack on powder...
29. Tryin' on a brand new dress...
30. I'm breakin' promises and breaking you apart...
IF YOU CAN GET TO IOWA CITY BY THE 10TH THEN YOU CAN DRIVE TO PORTLAND WITH US AND IT WOULDN'T COST EXTRA.
Well, as I have the same friends list here as I ever have, I'll just trust that you all know the drill. ^^
1.This is the story of a girl...Absolutely - Nine Days (Guessed by borderline_mary)
2.Well, I know a thing about contrition...House of Wolves - My Chemical Romance (Guessed by borderline_mary)
3. Four years and you think for sure...
4.Call you up in the middle of the night...Runaway Train - Soul Asylum (Guessed by borderline_mary)
5.It's never enough to say I'm sorry...Not Meant to Be - Theory of a Deadman (Guessed by silent_lorelei)
6.I think I'm breaking out, I'm gonna leave you now...Way Away - Yellowcard (Guessed by silent_lorelei)
7.I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated...Time is Running Out - Muse (Guessed by silent_lorelei)
8.There's nothing you can do that can't be done...All You Need is Love - The Beatles (Guessed by silent_lorelei)
9.Come one and all and see the broken man...Inhale - Stone Sour (Guessed by borderline_mary)
10. Don't pretend you're sorry, I know you're not...Drowning - The Backstreet Boys (Guessed by borderline_mary)
11. Well, I know it, it's a shame...
12. The ocean's beauty no longer moves my heart...
13. Although it seems okay, it never really goes away...Untitled - V-Shape Mind (Guessed by borderline_mary)
14. I have a problem that I cannot explain...
15. I've tried to hide, but I can't sleep at night...
16. It's another back-door sneakin' in, 'Where you been?' midnight... Goodbye Says it All - Blackhawk (Guessed by silent_lorelei)
17. In the beginning you were oh, so grand...
18. Seemed to stop my breath...
19. Here I am at home again, this rainy avenue...Mutiny Below - Ludo (Guessed by borderline_mary)
20. You take a mortal man and put him in control...
21. Standing here, I'm cold inside with fear...
22. You burden me with your questions...Unbelievable - EMF (Guessed by borderline_mary)
23. My hands are broken and time is going on and on...
24. The boy only wanted to give mother something...
25. I know that soon I must go and leave you...
26. Dreams within the still of night...Do You Dream of Me - Michael W. Smith (Guessed by borderline_mary)
27. I'd say you were a supermodel...
28. Tonight I'll have a look and try to find my face again...
29. I thought my world was complete...
30. It's in your head, they're telling you it's in your head, it's a figment of your imagination...
1.
2.
3. Four years and you think for sure...
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11. Well, I know it, it's a shame...
12. The ocean's beauty no longer moves my heart...
13.
14. I have a problem that I cannot explain...
15. I've tried to hide, but I can't sleep at night...
16.
17. In the beginning you were oh, so grand...
18. Seemed to stop my breath...
19.
20. You take a mortal man and put him in control...
21. Standing here, I'm cold inside with fear...
22.
23. My hands are broken and time is going on and on...
24. The boy only wanted to give mother something...
25. I know that soon I must go and leave you...
26.
27. I'd say you were a supermodel...
28. Tonight I'll have a look and try to find my face again...
29. I thought my world was complete...
30. It's in your head, they're telling you it's in your head, it's a figment of your imagination...
- Current Music:My Chemical Romance - House of Wolves
So, it seems that every time Anne does this meme, I *have* to, so here it is! :D
The rules: put your music player on random, record the first lines of the first thirty songs to come up no matter how ridiculous or embarrassing they might be, offer fabulous prizes to people who can correctly guess them.
1. "Coin operated boy sitting on the shelf..." Coin-Operated Boy - The Dresden Dolls (Guessed by silent_lorelei)
2. "So near and yet still so far, far away..."
3. "She said, 'It's cold outside', and she hands me a raincoat..." 3 a.m. - Matchbox 20 (Guessed by borderline_mary)
4. "It was a Monday when my lover told me..." Lucky - Bif Naked (Guessed by borderline_mary)
5. "I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them fall away..." Schism - Tool (Guessed by borderline_mary)
6. "I don't want to wonder if this is a blunder..." Love you Madly - Cake (Guessed by borderline_mary)
7. "You can't quit until you try, you can't live until you die..." Life is Beautiful - Sixx A.M. (Guessed by silent_lorelei)
8. "Lightning crashes, a new mother cries..." Lightning Crashes - Live (Guessed by borderline_mary)
9. "Flow gently, sweet Afton, among thy green braes..."
10. "Don't you lie to me, 'cause I'm not blind, I see..."
11. "A subdued silence undisturbed by the sound of her breath..." If All Else Fails - Matchbox Romance (Guessed by borderline_mary)
12. "We are still the same, dear..."
13. "Whenever life gets you down, keeps you wearing a frown..." Enormous Penis - Da Vinci's Notebook (Guessed by borderline_mary)
14. "Let me play, I've been dying to let you in..." Victim - Trapt (Guessed by borderline_mary)
15. "Her breath began to speak as she stood right in front of me..." The Devil's Dance Floor - Flogging Molly (Guessed by borderline_mary)
16. "I'm feeling mean today, not lost, not blown away..."
17. "All that you ask me is that I remember..."
18. "You've got to leave me now, you've got to go alone..." When You Come Back Down - Nickel Creek (Guessed by silent_lorelei)
19. "I've given up on giving up slowly..."
20. "I woke up in a dream today, to the cold and the static..."
21. "It was seven hundred fence posts from your place to ours..." Meet in the Middle - Diamond Rio (Guessed by borderline_mary)
22. "In the land of dirt and plaster..."
23. "Some will learn, many do. Cover up or spread it out..."
24. "You've got a fast car..." Fast Car - Tracy Chapman (Guessed by borderline_mary)
25. "Your love is like a tidal wave spinning over my head..." Heartbreaker - Pat Benetar (Guessed by borderline_mary)
26. "Laundry day, see you there..." Freeze Ray - Dr. Horrible (Kind of guessed by borderline_mary)
27. "Find me, I'm falling and fooling myself that it's flight..."
28. "She asked him for forever and a promise that would last..."
29. "Show me how to lie, you're getting better all the time..." You're Gonna Go Far Kid - The Offspring (Guessed by silent_lorelei)
30. "'Oh, what the hell,' she says..." Her Diamonds - Rob Thomas (Guessed by silent_lorelei)
EDIT:: Replaced a couple of songs due to the fact that I've had them on these memes before. You'd think that out of 2453 songs that my player would put some variety in there... >.
The rules: put your music player on random, record the first lines of the first thirty songs to come up no matter how ridiculous or embarrassing they might be, offer fabulous prizes to people who can correctly guess them.
2. "So near and yet still so far, far away..."
9. "Flow gently, sweet Afton, among thy green braes..."
10. "Don't you lie to me, 'cause I'm not blind, I see..."
12. "We are still the same, dear..."
16. "I'm feeling mean today, not lost, not blown away..."
17. "All that you ask me is that I remember..."
19. "I've given up on giving up slowly..."
20. "I woke up in a dream today, to the cold and the static..."
22. "In the land of dirt and plaster..."
23. "Some will learn, many do. Cover up or spread it out..."
27. "Find me, I'm falling and fooling myself that it's flight..."
28. "She asked him for forever and a promise that would last..."
EDIT:: Replaced a couple of songs due to the fact that I've had them on these memes before. You'd think that out of 2453 songs that my player would put some variety in there... >.
- Current Mood:
amused - Current Music:In Time - Robbie Robb
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